lost my will again, nothing is left, why can't i get help[28/01/2025]

nobody can help, nobody but one, but i can't be a bother to him anymore, i ant him to be happy and live his life, i cannot be a leech, ttrying to find a thera^pist is hell, thought i would be seeing a psychiatrist but turns out he is a freudian psychanalist, fucking helll, i just need help i need someoent to help me understand my brain, i cant make sense of it, i can make sense of less and less things, i just feel in a huge fog, in 5 years i'll be free, i'll be free of thoughts, but finding a surgeon willing to do this surgery is really hard, can't find anything on the darknet, i just want some peace, the only peace i get now is xanax, but im not allowed to have it i need to ask everytime i want it, i just need help, i need someone, i needhelp, nobody is helping, for years i've tried, but nothing, nobody helps, and the one that helped me, well, he i living his life, and i ddno't want to bother him anymore, he is too nice, i just need help, i do't want this anymore, i don't even know if i'll manage to wait those 5 years to the lobotomy, that'x even if i'll manage to find someone to do it, i guess xanax is a nice end, just going to sleep, and the sleep doesn't stop, i can't even keep up with my classes anymore, my brain doesn't work it's not working it's useless

new will, i must live, i will live and prevail [20/01/2025]

so, i might have given him a link to this website, but i don't think he comes around to look at it, so im gonna start to talk about.. him, not sure about making a part of the website about him yet, ALSO, 3 psychiatrists now, one for transition and hormones, one psychiatrist/psychoanalist to talk about broader stuff, and one neuro-psychiatrist for diagnosis, skipping school lately, not going to class, my head professor knows why, feeling calm enough to write here, can't say it's always the case, sometimes i just snap, im still me but, ii can't think the same, im more agressive, or more obsessed, it's pretty bad, and sure one part of me is trying to get help and to talk, but, when i switch or snap, it just, it doesn't stop it can go very far, and sure for now i can't do too much, but soon i could do bad stuff when not thinking the same, i feel so sorry for everyone, right now, in this state of mind, i feel sorry for everybody, but when i don't think the same i don't care, i just dive in it, deeply, preparing plans, preparing ways to manipulate, to dig my claws, and not let go, i really don't want to do that, but like 30% of the time i don't care, i relish in the idea of all of that happening, i don't want to hurt anybody, on a good note though been clean of burning myself for 1 and a half week, pretty sure i will fall back in it, but for now im happy about it, my thoughts are less and less organized, it's just harder and harder to think, except when im not right in my mind, when im obsessing over someone, when i make those plans, that's when i feel the best in my mind, that's when i feel the most organized, when all my thoughts are clear, it sucks, i don't want this to be the real me, i don't want this to be me at all, i don't want to be that person, i don't want to do all of this, but sometimes i just can't feel anything else, and it feels so good to be that person, but i know it's not good, i know i shoudl't do it, but i just, snap, and i cant' get out of it, i have to write stuff in a notebokk to talk about to my psychiatrists because, i just can't rememeber anything, but again except when im in the wrong mind,, the bad mind, with the thoughts that could hurt people, please don't let this be the real me, but when i snap it just, it's so blissful, but i know i shouldn't enjoy it, im trying my best to fight against it, trying to fight the infections too, like sure my legs are clean of burns and my arms too, but the burns of my arms keep infecting, im just, im trying to heal this

what do i even do [09/01/2025]

so, help hotline didn't repond to my message, feeling kind of lost, i went to ask a nurse when should one be hospitalized for mental health reasons, turns out every center in my city i full, i would just get turned around at the entrance, i need to find a new psychiatrist, really bad, forget what the last one was, forget about the year and a half gone to the trash, im not overdosing on zoloft, not any channces ,but i think i need to get on a different moleule cause it feels like it's not doing anything, i still have the xanax thouhg, if i need a break i can just take a few, and a swig from my vodka flask and i'll be sleeping for a few days, that sounds like the best plan, i just need a break, just a break, i need to feel myself in his arms, i genuinly think tthat would make me want to live longer

... [08/01/2025]

well, gonna call a help hotline this afternoon, but while i have a part of me that wants help, the other pert want me to get all my zoloft and swallow it all down, it doesnt seem like too much of a problem, not too much chance too die, but it's still here, i dont have access to my xanax so i can't just take all of it and fall asleep for a bit, you can't od on xanax, just a coma, sleep coma, seems so nice, zoloft overdose seems less nice, but still there is a chance of peace, im gonna call help hotline and depending on what they say i'll take different actions, i just want some peace, some calm, nobody seems to be too alarmed though, i've talked about my self harm to my psychiatrist and doctor and parents, but non of them are alarmed, i've talked about.. worst stuff with my psychiatrist, but he doesn't seem alarmed, i've stopped seeing him i don't trust him, and it's a better thing i don't see him, he is a fraud, he is losing his doctorate soon, what a fucking asshole, he gaslit me so many times and never helped me, for 1,5 years, why didn't i see sooner

bleh :[ [07/01/2025]

today was bad, very bad, got back to my school, and i was a shivering full of anxiety mess, i promised i would'nt take all the xanax in a day but i took both of them today, it's weird i feel like they used to last longer, when i took the second one, it's like the first one already faded away, i don't really fit in my group of friends i mean, i all see them as friends and i feel like they do to, but somethig just doesnt click, they all share, hugs when they don't feel good, there is a sense of touch i don't get, i'm the only amab in my friendgroup, and i just don't think that's random, it just feels terrible, i d'ont feel the dosage of xanax i took i might try to get some more for next week, or might look into getting checked into a psychiatric hospital, im still on antidepressants but i feel like dying again, i don't want anything, i just want to feel okay, my only way to feel okay is with other people (see in puppy ) but i feel like i can't talk about it, i feel like im digging my own grave, i wish i got more xanax now, i got nothing, i've been feeling lik shit for days.. also pic of my makeup from last post, i tried to keep it light and feel like i did a good job BUT i did go to the hairdresser and forgot to look closer to my skin and turns out i have TONS of lil cut hair on my face, but heh it still looks nice, though i asked my usual hairdresser for a wolfcut like i already got with him, but i don't think he did me a wolfcut ? it still looks nice i guess heh, i took it off the page, could'nt handle looking at my face again

hello hello !! [31/12/2024]

haiii everyone, past ten days were filled with ups and downs, but overall, it was a nice time, good time with family for the holidays and went shopping with the christmas money, found a surprising amount of kuromi merch !! but the most important was a lil fur kuromi backpack, it's so nice and soft, finally fully cleaned my room too ! nothing not meant to be on the floor is on the floor, it's all nice, i managed to arranged the ground pillows and make a nice lil space in the middle of my room, it's so nice, i finally have a window to the outside !! two even, it's very nice having sunlight finally, feels weird to be in a space so clean, it's nice sure, but it's a bit.. overwordly ? if that's even the right word, also i found some old cameras !! two of them use film but im not sure of the quality of their picttures so i dunno if i should buy some film, but i found my mom's old camera which is, insane it works like a charm and is digital, thing is it's so so pricey i don't trust myself using it safely, and the objective is huuuuuuuge, and the zoom is pretty amazing, it's like paparazi camera. i also bought some new makeup !! found out im like, really good at it, but im sure i can experience some more with the styles i can do, also got some skincare arriving like next week, going back on an old regiment i used which workes insanely good, i had really just glass skin it was amazing, and i can finally afford it again so im 100% geeting it again, here we go thats all for today's blog, hope you all have an amazing and fulfilling day !! goodbye all !

haiiiii first post [21/12/2024]

made a lil website, on the big internet, i'll use this website as a sort of blog, use to do that in a lil notebook for myself but i feel like doing it here could be fun, frick internet pawprint i need to speak !! hope you all have a wonderful day or night, hope you all have fun netizens !!